Greetings, fellow sinners of McQuaid Jesuit! I’m Gabe Knapp, resident biblical beastmaster and heresiarch, and I’ve come bearing horrible truths and unimaginable fears. This is the first (vocation willing) in my series of biblical “survival guides,” starting with Seraphs. 

As students of McQuaid Jesuit, we find ourselves close to religion on the daily, particularly Catholicism and other denominations of Christianity. Surprisingly, however, most of our students are blissfully unaware of the holy abominations that are seraphim—angelic beings that serve God.

“What makes angels so scary?” your ignorant, impatient mind might ask. Well, I’m glad you interrupted—it’s not like I was literally about to go into that. Seraphim are beings with six (or more) wings, covered almost entirely in eyes, surrounded by rings of blazing fire and the heads of lions, oxen, and eagles (combined, by the way) upon their bodies. If your tiny, rude brain is having trouble imagining- here’s a reference image. However, no artist seems to agree on which features to draw, so take this with a grain of salt.  

Now, one might also ask, “Why would I worry about these things? Aren’t they angels? Aren’t they servants of the Lord?” Why, I’m glad you asked again, because the truth is, they’re not terrifying to the most devout of Christians. To a normal layperson, however, these beings bear responsibility greater than any other. You see, seraphim appear almost exclusively to prophets. 

“Oh God, I don’t want to spend my entire life in the service of the Lord, I want to live a normal life with a spouse and kids!” you might say. Well, first off, why would you want any of those little slime goblins, and second, don’t worry your little head, I’m here to help stop this from happening. 

The easiest way, in my personal opinion, is to live a decent, but not perfect life. Sinners are loved by God, especially the ones who seem most unforgivable, such as Paul who was Saul. On the other side of the coin, however, are those like Mary the Immaculate, chosen by God because she was free of sin. Ordinary people are more often looked over; it is those on the margins who are the least free to live their own lives. 

Now, if that doesn’t seem to work for you, there’s not much else you can do. Most times, holy figures are given a choice between their ordinary life and the one God chose for them; however, if that isn’t the case for you, there are two options. You could either run away, which won’t yield decent results, or take out a handy fire extinguisher, both for the impending Holy Spirit descending upon you to gift you the strength and knowledge you need to be God’s chosen, and for the rings of fire that make up parts of the Seraph before you. Having personally used this method, I can confirm that the Angel Gabriel did not continue to try and persuade me after getting a faceful of firefighting foam, although I’m pretty sure it also punched my ticket to eternal damnation. Either way, I’m free to live my life as I please, and I can only hope you’ll get to do the same.

That wraps up my first of many survival guides. I hope my methods will work for all those wishing to avoid the responsibility of serving God for the rest of your days. A joyous day to you all, and may you walk in the light, but not too long without SPF 777, as holy radiance gives quite a sunburn.