Arizona Cardinals: Someone who isn’t average! DJ Humphries, Hollywood Brown, Rondale Moore, and the jewel in the crown of mid, Kyler Murray, are all average players. If the Cardinals want to be something better than, well, the worst team in the league, they need to go out there and find someone that is above average. Only issue is Kyler Murray’s new contract, which starts next year, that pays him $230.5 million over 5 years to play Call of Duty.

Atlanta Falcons: Everyone else to lose. The Falcons are currently first in the NFC South (at the time of writing) despite their 6-6 record. As long as the rest of the division cannibalizes itself and the Falcons keep winning division games, they will win the division and make the playoffs, although by default rather than their own merit.

Baltimore Ravens: For the Dolphins to start losing. The Ravens are currently first in the AFC North, and have a margin of victory of 16.8 points. They are one of the most dominant teams in the league, but the Dolphins still hold the #1 seed in the conference. If the Dolphins start to lose, the #1 seed could magically fall into Baltimore’s lap, and finally give them a stepping stone to a deep playoff run.

Buffalo Bills: For them to start winning. The Bills are, to not sugarcoat it, horrible. The Bills have been losing perfectly winnable games, mostly due to their lack of pass protection and pass rush. The team needs to stop cashing checks its table-jumping fanbase can’t cash if it wants to start winning. [Ed. Note—And then Sean McDermott remembered one very specific day in American history . . .]

Carolina Panthers: For everyone to have fun, because that’s what matters in the end. The Panthers have already been eliminated from the playoffs, so they have nothing to gain or lose. Bryce Young doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing, and with Frank Reich officially gone, the future is brighter, but for now, there’s nothing to do other than root for everyone to enjoy the game and have fun.

Chicago Bears: For Matt Eberflus to be fired. Matt Eberflus is the worst head coach in the league. While Justin Fields is by no means a great QB, Eberflus’ play calling has made him somehow even worse. Despite having weapons like DJ Moore, Darnell Mooney and Cole Kmet, Eberflus hasn’t been using them or Fields in the way he should, and as a result, the Bears are one of the worst teams, if not the worst team, in the league.

Cincinnati Bengals: For Joe Burrow to be healthy. This one is a gift that surely won’t happen this season, since Joe Burrow is out for the year with a wrist injury, and Jake Browning is being thrown into the mix in his absence. While the Bengals are not out of the playoff hunt yet, Burrow’s absence doesn’t help, and the best the fans can hope for is that Burrow returns fully healthy next year.

Cleveland Browns: A new contract for Deshaun Watson. Deshaun Watson is being paid $242 million fully guaranteed to be injured on the bench. After being outplayed by Dorian Thompson-Robinson, PJ Walker and presidentially-endorsed quarterback Joe Flacco, Watson’s megacontract is burning a hole in Cleveland’s wallet, and if it were to be restructured, Cleveland fans would collectively breath a sigh of relief.

Dallas Cowboys: For Mike McCarthy to be fired. Dallas pads its stats against weak teams all through the regular season and waltzes into the playoffs, only to embarrass themselves against someone who actually deserves to be there. The fans want an end to this cycle of falling apart in the biggest moments, and it all starts with Mike McCarthy being fired, as his play calling limits a fairly good roster from reaching greatness. [Ed. Note—Jerry Jones must’ve seen this article.]

Denver Broncos: Consistency. The Broncos started 0-5, then went on a 5-game winning streak, before losing again. Russ has looked decent up to the loss to Houston, and the defense that started as one of the worst in the league transitioned into an elite one again. The Broncos need consistency if they want to make a deep playoff run, which is in the balance with each passing week.

Detroit Lions: For everything to remain the same. The Lions are 9-3 (at the time of writing) for the first time in decades, and the playoffs are nearing. As long as they keep doing what they’re doing, and the rest of the division cannibalizes itself, the Lions will walk into the playoffs, with the potential to make a deep run for the first time in forever.

Green Bay Packers: For Jordan Love to keep winning. The Packers dropped the ball on Taylor Swift’s Chiefs, and Jordan Love looked like the star everyone hoped he’d be. If this isn’t a fluke, and the years of sitting behind Aaron Rodgers paid off, the Packers could once again have a decade-spanning reign of a franchise quarterback.

Houston Texans: For Jacksonville and Indianapolis to lose. The Texans have found a diamond in the rough with CJ Stroud, who pretty much has the OROY locked up and is even making a case for MVP. However, Jacksonville and Indianapolis are still winning, and are tied with Houston. If Houston really wants to make a splash, they need the Jaguars to revert to their Urban Meyer days and the Colts to revert to their Frank Reich days to clear the path for the Texans.

Indanapolis Colts: For Houston and Jacksonville to lose. The Colts are tied for first in the division, but between them, Houston and Jacksonville, the Colts are the most likely to fall apart. Despite his universal admiration by fans, Gardner Minshew isn’t going above and beyond to keep the Colts in the playoff race. The Colts need to keep doing what they’re doing, and for the Texans and Jaguars to ruin the year for each other.

Jacksonville Jaguars: For Houston and Indianapolis to lose. The Jaguars are first in the division but are tied with the Texans and Colts. If they want another chance at the playoffs, they need to put down a lead foot for the rest of the season, as well as a little luck that makes the Texans and Colts falter in the home stretch.

Kansas City Chiefs: For Taylor Swift to be under the mistl—wait, no, people with power to make me go away have to read this. Uh, the Chiefs want to keep winning, and, uh, be better than 8-4 even though the rest of the division isn’t that good. There is a blank space (pun very intended) for which AFC West team(s) will be in the playoffs, and the Chiefs are set to fill it.

Las Vegas Raiders: For Rich Bisaccia to return. When the Raiders fired Jon Gruden a few years ago, they replaced him with Rich Bisaccia, and he surprisingly did well enough for the Raiders to make the playoffs. With the Josh McDaniels trainwreck over, Bisaccia could return, which would make the Raiders known for the right reasons for the first time since his original stint as head coach.

Los Angeles Chargers: For Brandon Staley to be fired. In fact, being fired isn’t enough. Staley needs to be cancelled, California-style. In all seriousness, Staley is the reason why the Chargers are squeaking out wins against weak teams, and why Justin Herbert remains elite in terms of sheer talent but not in stats. If he gets the boot, the Chargers will undoubtedly make a leap into true contention.

Los Angeles Rams: Money. Many of the key pieces from the Super Bowl run a few years ago, such as Jalen Ramsey and Von Miller, are now gone, and Matt Stafford and Cooper Kupp have fallen off to an extent. While Puka Nacua is a future star, and the rest of the conference is rather weak, the Rams need to make some more changes if they want another ring, and clearing cap space is needed for that to happen.

Miami Dolphins: To keep winning. The Dolphins currently hold the #1 seed in the AFC, and with the connections between Tua and Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle being as strong as ever, the Dolphins are fixing to make a playoff run. The #1 seed helps with that, and as long as they keep winning, they can get a head start on the journey to the Lombardi Trophy.

Minnesota Vikings: To start winning again. Josh Dobbs has done decently enough, but he needs to be better. With Justin Jefferson healthy again, the Vikings have few excuses other than Kirk Cousins’ absence to justify being as average as they are. If they want a 2022-esque playoff run, they need to start winning.

New England Patriots: A quarterback. Mac Jones has played horribly all season, and Bailey Zappe, who Jones was benched for, is arguably even worse. With just a pair of wins, the Patriots have questions about the quarterback situation. With a draft class full of stars such as Bo Nix, Michael Penix and more, the Patriots need to make changes if they want a true Brady successor.

New Orleans Saints: For Derek Carr to be gone. Derek Carr has been replaced at times by Jameis Winston, and anyone replaced by Jameis Winston my want to hit career free agency and find a new purpose in life. Jameis hasn’t been bad, but Carr has done such a bang-up job so far that Jameis has a tough task of trying to make the Saints relevant again.

New York Giants: A giant change at quarterback. Daniel Jones is getting paid to be hurt, and Tommy DeVito, eyyy, isn’t quarterbackin’ here enough. Like with the Patriots, the loaded draft class should make New York consider its options, especially as the rest of the division seems to get better and better.

New York Jets: For Aaron Rodgers to be healthy again. Aaron Rodgers could return in just a few weeks, but the team itself isn’t doing well in his absence. If Rodgers returns, he will have the daunting task of trying to secure a wild card spot, and it may not be worth it to risk his health by rushing him back on the field. It’s better for him to return next year fully recovered rather that partially healthy.

Philadelphia Eagles: For San Francisco to fall off the face of the Earth. San Francisco is clearly the best team in the NFC, and their blowout win against the Eagles proves this. As long as the 49ers keep winning, the Eagles will likely fall short of the #1 seed. If San Francisco either starts losing, or fades into history for good (let’s be real, this is the option we all want), then the Eagles will be back in the saddle for a wild card bye week.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Christmas came early. Matt Canada, the worst offensive coordinator in the league by a wide margin, was already fired on November 21. In their first game without him, the Steelers put up over 400 yards of total offense, which did not occur once during Canada’s three-year tenure as OC. The Steelers received their gift a month early, so they better start doing something with it.

San Francisco 49ers: To keep winning. The 49ers have repeatedly proved to be the best team in the NFC. All they have to do is keep winning and let the other teams in the race for the #1 seed ruin each other’s hopes. If that happens, San Francisco will likely have an easy trip to the Super Bowl ahead of them.

Seattle Seahawks: For Geno Smith to stop writing back. Famous for not writing back to those who wrote him off, Geno Smith has since started a five-paragraph essay. He doesn’t look like he did just last year, and the Seahawks are strugging because of it. The Seahawks could still sneak into a wild card spot, but Geno needs to up his game for them to do so.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: More consistency. The Buccaneers have managed to have a decent record after sending Tom Brady to a nursing home. But they need to be more consistent. The NFC South is the worst division in the league, and despite being behind Atlanta, the division is wide open for someone to win it. Well, aside from Carolina.

Tennessee Titans: A miracle. The Titans have only 4 wins, and are last in the division by a wide margin. They need every other team in the division to lose every single one of their final games in order to even come close to a wild card spot, and that is if they win out. This is obviously unlikely, but miracles do happen.

Washington Commanders: For Ron Rivera to be fired. Ron Rivera has been holding the Commanders back for years. They have plenty of pieces such as Terry McLaurin, Sam Howell and Jonathan Allen, but they can’t put it together. While the division is competitive, the Commanders could cause a few upsets, but the coaching issues plague this team and keep them at a sub-par level.