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Horrifically Verifiable Candy Rankings


By the time you are reading this, it will be the end of October, which means that it is the autumn. The leaves will be changing, the flavors will be pumpkin, and most importantly, you and all of your neighbors will be setting up your Halloween decorations. There is no doubt about it: we are now in the spoopy season. However, when that fateful October 31 comes around, and you need to know whether to be happy or sad with the goodies that grace your counter, I am here to help.

First, you should know the criteria I am using to rate these candies. For a candy to be a “Halloween” candy, it must be something that actually gets handed out at Halloween. (Sorry, Spree fans, but I have never seen one in my bucket.) Despite this, there is a menagerie of different types of candy, from chocolate to fruit to straight sucrose. I will put an entire family of candy together based on the best of them, a preference I will make clear. For example, M&Ms will include plain, peanut, peanut butter, caramel, and almond. Even though this list is one hundred percent true, it is all based on my own opinions. I guess you can disagree—if you dare.

So, rake the yard tomorrow, put your plastic skeleton on the “later” list, and grab a pumpkin spice latte, because here are the top 15 Halloween candies.

Little League

These are the candies you see and think “oh, that one’s cool, I guess.” Though they are not extraordinary, they are still good. I mean, they’re candy.

  • 15. Nerds. Starting the list off strong! You really never can go wrong with Nerds, and it is fun to pop the entire box into your mouth at once, but they really aren’t that flavorful or particularly interesting. This spot would be taken by Tic-Tacs if they were a candy. (That really is a story for another time.)
  • 14. Junior Mints. I have to admit, for a while, I used to hate the very idea of Junior Mints, but with their simple minty insides and chocolate coating, they are sweet but balanced.
  • 13. Tootsie Roll Pop. They are the much-preferable alternative to bubblegum pops because you can actually eat the entire thing. By the way, it takes exactly 218 licks to get to the center.
  • 12. Butterfinger. A good candy bar. Nothing exceptional, besides the main attraction being the tender, flaky crunch. (I’m a sucker for a good crunch, as you will see later.) You will probably get too many of them though.
  • 11. Snickers. You cannot go wrong with nougat, nuts, and caramel, except after you include the weight of crushing expectations. Likely the most overrated candy of all time, as you get one at sixty percent of the houses you go to. (Plus the devastation of seeing just a single letter on a half-bite size piece of candy just slams “shrinkflation” into my brain each time I see it.)


At this level, we have passed “good” and are on our way to “great.”  These have few negative qualities, if any at all.

  • 10. Airheads. These are extremely sweet (like ninety-nine percent sugar) but what sets them apart is the great texture. Basically, they are a better version of Laffy Taffy without the corniest jokes ever, plus more high fructose corn syrup.
  • 9. M&M’s. Warning: the peanut butter ones are addicting but the rest are meh.
  • 8. Swedish Fish. Soft and chewy, the texture of these Nordic swimmers is spot-on. Something about the ambiguously red flavor is also particularly tasty.
  • 7. Twix. Some would say that biting through each layer of biscuit, caramel, and chocolate brings you to a happy place. I say that’s only for Right Twix. If Left Twix didn’t exist, Twix would probably be in the top five.
  • 6. Crunch.  There is no real reason to hate this bar, from the milk chocolate coating to the crispy rice inside to—wait, it is that simple. Obviously, I can’t set aside the phenomenal crunch (see comments on “Butterfinger”).

Silver Sugars

These candies are the real reason you go trick-or-treating. Some are special because they are less common, while some are so universally loved that most houses give them out.

  • 5. Haribo Gummies. I think that there are other flavors, but I have only had the gold bears. Easily the best fruit-flavored candy, even though they are a little rare and come in those itsy-bitsy mini-packs.
  • 4. PayDay. This unique candy almost did not make the list, as I have not seen one in a while. Though they seem to be on the outs now, they will always have a place in my heart because of the simplicity of their peanuts and caramel.
  • 3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The original cups are good, but they cannot compare to the white chocolate and peanut butter ghosts.
  • 2. KitKat. It takes a lot to be the second best Halloween candy of all time, but KitKat has it all.  From a crunchy wafer center to various (usually) tasty other versions, you cannot go wrong with a KitKat.


Honorable Mentions

Before we get to the GOAT of all Halloween candy, we first have to stop by some honorable mentions.

  • Three Musketeers. Fun fact: Three Musketeers used to be strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate, but the other two flavors were removed when only chocolate flavoring could be imported during World War II.
  • Sour Patch. The watermelon version could have easily made this list, but you do not get enough of them compared to the regular Sour Patch Kids for me to justify it.

Most Valuable Candy

Without further ado, here is the best candy of all time!

  • 1. Almond Joy. Deal with it.
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