Theological-Style Proof of a Quesadilla

The following statements are proofs meant to convince the reader that quesadillas are in fact the greatest food, ever. These proofs are in the style of Saint Thomas InstituteonDeweyAvenue’s proofs of the existence of God. This is not, in any way, a direct comparison of quesadillas to God. It is merely a sign of reverence and respect to the “lord” of all foods: quesadillas.

Surface Area

The tortilla is the most efficient way of delivering food and sustenance unto the hungry consumer. It is far more efficient than a piece of bread (with which sandwiches are made) because it has more surface area. The formula for the surface area of a circle is π times the radius squared. The formula for the surface area of a square piece of bread is area = side squared. Most of the tortillas that people buy at the store are 8-inch tortillas, which means they have a radius of 4. The surface area of a tortilla this size is therefore 16π, or about 50 inches. The average piece of bread that people buy at the store is about 4.5 by 4.5 inches, which means its area is 20.25 inches. The tortilla’s surface area is 29.75 inches larger than the bread.

People who refute this claim may say that burger buns are also circles, which therefore means that they are also more effective that a piece of bread. This, however, does not strengthen their argument, because tortillas are bigger circles, which means their surface area is more plentiful.

Carbs are—of course—the vehicle by which scrumptious foods are delivered, which means a carb with more surface area is more efficient, and therefore better.

Burrito

Opponents of quesadillas may agree with my initial evaluation of a tortilla’s surface area, but they may also raise the argument of the burrito. They might say: “Burritos also use tortillas. What makes quesadillas better?” The answer is simple: burritos have folds. By folding the tortilla, you decrease the effective surface area of the carb.

Burrito Again! (Ed. Note—“Burritwo” Was Right There)

Opponents may also say that, through the folds of the tortilla, you create a bowl-like structure, which enables you to increase the volume of the meal. FALSE!

A full-size quesadilla will have nearly twice as much sustenance within it than the average burrito made with the same size tortilla. Opponents might say to this that a full-size quesadilla uses two tortillas, so it is logical that you can fit more things in it. I say to this: “Even a half-sized quesadilla, made with a single tortilla folded upon itself, has the same amount of food inside it, if not more, than a burrito.” Through a demonstration, the dissidents may try and stuff as much meat, beans, and cheese into a tortilla as possible and try to fold it, and they would look at me with glee and say “Ha! Look at how much food is in there!”

I would look on with even more glee while they struggled to effectively fold the tortilla without it tearing at the delicate seams they must shape for a proper burrito.

Closing Thoughts

There may still be some dissidents; however, they may easily be convinced with the same logic shown above. The tortilla is the most efficient method of food delivery, and the quesadilla, in turn, is the best way to use them.

But let’s talk about what a quesadilla really is. The word quesadilla in Spanish literally means “little cheesy thing.” The quesadillas that I talk about and argue for are a blend of meat and cheese. “Little cheesy thing” seems to suggest that quesadillas are to be only cheese, but quesadillas can have meat as well. [Ed. Note—and other fillings as well!] I tend to advise against overloading quesadillas with cheese because it can distort the simplicity and taste of the meal. This is similar to the obsessive “cheese pull” of modern pizza. It has steered away from the proper ratio of sauce to cheese, just as it is possible to improperly set the ratio of cheese to meat in a quesadilla.

In conclusion, quesadillas are the best food that can be made. They are the most efficient use of the most efficient carb, and they include the most scrumptious combination of the most pleasing flavors.