Highs, Lows, and Taking the Short Way Around
Unfortunately, the circumstances of my writing this article seem to necessitate some departure from the characteristic dryness in composition that comes through strongly in my other articles. I preface this article with emphasis on its personal nature. It is an exploration of what I am experiencing right now. That understood, the listener whom I address is myself, before anyone else. I am not a therapist, and I give this advice not as a professional, but as a peer, in the hope that it is accessible and applicable to you.
I surely am not the first to say that 2020 has been a curious year so far. I, myself, had an incredibly difficult spring semester, which was further aggravated by the pandemic. During this time, I discovered things that you might have known for some time now. Perhaps, even I already knew them, but was not aware that I did. This riddle-speak benefits neither me nor you, though, so I had best get to the point: a common enemy is an effective way of bringing people together. Our contact with our companions is doomed to be minimal, but though COVID-19 separates us, its very universality that makes it so terrifying may provide us hope.
I would be surprised if anyone is enjoying isolation, even if they are introverts. I propose that we have a mutual understanding of how isolation is affecting us, and that this means we can more easily access empathy for each other. This doesn’t make the problem go away, but at least it somewhat mitigates the socio-emotional damage, to say nothing about the dangers of the disease itself. But now, more than ever, I suspect help would be openly given if sought. Here, I directly address people who constantly give themselves to others, but thinks it unjust if another gives to them.
These are awfully opportune conditions for some self-discovery. With so many stressors compounding at once, this is the time to release what parts of our tensions we can control. I saw a flowchart once that gave the following advice, and as humorous as it is, I find it poignant nonetheless: If there’s a problem, and you can do something about it, then you have nothing to worry about. If there’s a problem, and you can’t do anything about it, then why bother worrying about it? If there is no problem, then there is still nothing warranting unease.
I found that I was investing a lot of energy into things I perceived as problems that were no great issue, and into things I couldn’t control. Those two wastes of effort were the main reason why my senior year at high school was nearly unbearable. I keep coming back to the universality of the pandemic and the empathy you and others have in such excess, because I think it’s really important to our survival. Picture the following scenario: Finals week is approaching. (I know this is really far-fetched, but stay with me.) Hypothetically, you’re stressed about exams and papers and you’re frustrated that people are asking all these things of you that you can’t do and you just aaaaaaaaaaa. Crazy, I know. Expectations seem unreasonably high, considering. But maybe they aren’t as high as you perceive. People know how exhausted you are because they feel the same. Now more than ever, it’s not only okay, but necessary to let things go – to, using an unfittingly negative phrase, let things slip a bit.
When I took classes with Mr. Brady, there was a poem posted on his wall called “The Station.” It’s a really good poem by Robert Hastings about focusing on experiencing the present, rather than living in the future. Hastings warns that we are prone to tricking ourselves into living for milestones, rather than life—that we convince ourselves that, when something in life happens, all our problems will be resolved and we will live happily ever after. This perpetually prevents us from experiencing life, since we will always have the mirage of a milestone in the distance. I’m going to take this in a different direction. Hastings tells us to beware of disconnection from life around us due to milestoning, but I found it instrumental in surviving the semester. To put it bluntly, I didn’t realize how miserable I was, because I wasn’t living in the moment. I used this technique in high school extensively, as well. In the long term, this is a horrible idea, but in the last bit before school is over, it was fantastic for me.
Empty words are what I have just given you. They mean nothing coming from me, so please find someone whose advice means something to you and ask for help. They are going through the same thing as you, and they probably understand more than you imagine. I called a therapist. I thought he’d have advice as generic as I just gave, but he really didn’t. But you don’t need to be a therapist to have a different perspective on the pandemic. Everyone you know has a unique understanding of and reaction to COVID-19; you just have to find the people who mean something to you.
Daniel J Brady • May 13, 2020 at 4:07 pm
THE STATION:
Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long, long trip that almost spans the continent. We’re traveling by passenger train, and out of the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant; of row upon row of corn and wheat; of flatlands and valley’s; of mountains and rolling hillsides; of city skylines and village halls; of biting winter and blazing summer and cavorting spring and docile fall.
But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. There will be bands playing and flags waving. And once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true. So many wishes will be fulfilled and so many pieces of our lives will finally be neatly fitted together like a completed jigsaw puzzle.
How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering … waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.
However, sooner or later we must realize there is no one station; no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is a dream. It constantly outdistances us.
“When we reach the station, that will be it!” we cry. Translated it means “When I buy a new 450 SL Mercedes Benz, that will be it! When I put that last kid through college that will be it! When I get that promotion that will be it! When I reach the age of retirement that will be it! I shall live happily ever after!”
Unfortunately, once we get “it”, then “it” disappears. The Station somehow hides itself at the end of an endless track.
“Relish the moment” is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24 “This is the day the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” It isn’t the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather, it is regret over yesterday or fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves that would rob us of today.
So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more and cry less. Life must be lived as we go along, …
……………… the station will come soon enough ………………..
Mr Ruhlmann • May 13, 2020 at 11:18 am
This article is very well-done. A lot of insight and wisdom from someone so young. I agree with everything you said, especially with regard to the tunnel vision that comes from”milestoning” our way through life. When I was your age – back in the late, great 1970s – there was a saying that we should “stop and smell the roses” on our way through life, and as you point out, doing so is even more important today given our current circumstances.