Valentine’s Day was a DISASTER. Traditionally, it has a reputation for being heartfelt, meaningful, and memorable, but sadly, it’s often far from it. Too many times, people remember Valentine’s Day as an evening or event that should have been special, but in hindsight, ended up lackluster and embarrassing. Fortunately, however, from someone who has studied relationship dynamics for around 15 years, I can assure you that this year’s failures on February 14th can be easily resolved.
In fact, most trip-ups happen because one of five key factors was either misunderstood, done wrong, or completely overlooked. The goal in this is to guide you to become prepared, and not “fumble the bag” every time. As a seasoned virtuoso of my craft, I have cultivated considerable scholarly insight, but I still don’t want to take away your own unique flavor, so I will leave what should be done up to you. Instead, I feel that it’s my duty to most fervently warn you of what NOT to do, starting with this…
#5 — Don’t Talk About Your Last Girl!
So it’s four o’clock and you just picked up your valentine. You’re traveling down the highway and you don’t want that awkward silence that everyone hates, so even though talking about your ex may seem obvious, don’t fall into the trap! Especially if you messed up your last Valentine’s Day, the worst thing to do is double down and talk about it. Even though you like to reminisce, avoid phrases like “Last year, when I took my ex to the mall, we really enjoyed [insert experience], and she even paid for my chicken wings.” From my extensive research, 98% of the time, this won’t work and your sweetheart will be sour; in the other 2%, the girl will dump you anyway. There are fixes, however. All that is needed is to forget everything that ever happened before you met her and just focus on the day at hand. You definitely don’t want to forget the next mistake though . . .
#4 — Don’t Mess Up Chocolates!
As the wise man Forrest Gump once said, “My mama always said, ‘Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.’” As true as that is, in the case of Valentine’s Day, you want your box of sweets to be a very tasty, yet predictable collection. The creamy delights are always a hit and about as easy as a walk in the park to nail, but there are still two ways to fumble: old chocolates or half-eaten ones.
The first of the two is resolved by just using your eyes: turn the box over, look at the label, and see if the date says 2026 or 2027; if not, then you shouldn’t give it as a present (and no, 2023 isn’t exactly fresh anymore). You could just buy a new assortment of the treats too if you need to save time.
The latter of the ways to botch chocolates is corrected by staying full. The second you feel any tingle of hunger, you must satisfy it and keep it that way. If you are never hungry, you are never in jeopardy of falling victim to the insatiable goodies. The most effortless solution is to carry a few protein bars around, but if that is still too hard, just get a private chef. Quick, easy, and affordable . . . not. Well, in the worst case scenario, if your chocolate cravings take over, you could always trust to Forrest Gump’s mother for great advice—but one thing that she certainly wouldn’t recommend as a remedy is doing #3…
#3 — Don’t Ask, “Mommm, Moneyyy!”
If you’re broke, just say so—but not to your mother. Unfortunately, after all your trying, you still couldn’t find a valentine; no worries, it happens to the best of us. Whatever you do though, if you are blessed enough to have your mom as your valentine, don’t ask to borrow money for her gift or restaurant expenses. No one wants to have a cold invitation to do something only to find out that they’re paying. Luckily, my analysis concluded that there were three ways to solve this. The honest path would be to just confess that you can’t pay, the somewhat stressful way would be to get a job, and the high-stakes route would be to ask your dad instead [dun, dun, dunnn!] Now here, you are stuck between a rock, a hard place, and your dad. Path one is smart for many reasons (integrity, maturity, etc.), but it still has the disadvantages of ending the surprise factor. Path two is probably best for character building, but you may not have the time, because February is arriving too soon. [Ed. Note—thanks to our schedule slippage, it’s now eleven months in the future, so get busy.] Finally, option three is high risk, high reward. Your dad could either say, “Sure, absolutely. Have fun!” and give you the cash, or “You should’ve planned better!” and lay on the whole two-hour spiel on budgeting and how to stop procrastination. Pick wisely and good luck, but let’s say you did land an actual valentine (sorry, mom). Well, resist the temptation of #2 while in a rush…
#2 — Don’t Buy Wilted Flowers!
Congratulations. You’ve done the hard part. All the planning and financial transactions came done to this. Sitting down for your special dinner, you can finally relax a little, realizing in a panic that you got nothing as a gift! You could just flat out tell her your blunder, but instead, you use the old fake bathroom trick, dashing to the nearest dollar store. Wrong move. Buying a wilted dollar store flower in the 50-cent plastic vase is not a sign of true commitment. In fact, most people would have probably rather not gotten anything at all. Now to be honest, there is really no fix to this, other than to throw up the prayer shot of asking your waiter for one. At least you tried to be resourceful and didn’t bore your valentine to death like in this final mistake.
#1 — Don’t Be A Nerd!
At last, you’ve made it through the whole day without any massive hiccups (mostly). The finish line is in sight, and all you have to do is not turn the last 3o minutes into a boring history lecture. I understand that it can be enticing to lay out your vast array of knowledge on an unsuspecting individual, but you must refrain. The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and St Valentine’s death are not pleasant topics to discuss on the car ride back. Virtually anything else would work as a conversation starter, and sneaking in a compliment about the day, like “I had a lot of fun and am glad I got to spend tonight with you,” is always a good idea.
Perfect, you nailed it. From chicken wings to chocolate, and finances to flowers, you got the informative crash-course on what you should absolutely, under no circumstances, ever do. So next year, when you are recalling all of my exceptionally accurate, scientifically proven tips and tricks, just remember that you cannot do worse than me. Happy belated Valentine’s Day!