Hello, one and all. Gather round the fire, for it is Halloween, and I have a spooky story to tell. One of a horrible man who just doesn’t know when to ring the bell; one of much tension and hatred alike, and most importantly, one that is surely sure to give you a fright.
Now let’s get down to business. So Uncle Charles (pictured above on the left after hearing another peasant has fallen into the blast furnace at the steel mill) has come back to visit his favorite lounge of Australia. Petty insults aside, this thing was an absolute horror story, but as with all my articles, we have to start a bit of background. I promise (this time) I will be brief.
As you should all know by this point [Ed. Note—but, let’s be real, probably don’t], Australia was a colony and (post-1901) a Dominion of the United Kingdom. Now, despite its independence, Australia has remained a constitutional monarchy: the British monarch remains the head of state. This has proved occasionally problematic: the ousting of Prime Minister Gough Whitlam has been a sore spot for many Australians, as the monarchy’s representative ousted a democratically-elected government. This was not just ceremonial, either, as it caused a crash in the stock market, unrest, and an overall feeling of betrayal by the British. As of today, Australia is still a constitutional monarchy but there is a party with widespread support called the Australian Republican Movement (ARM) that is seeking to make Australia a republic. Now, all of that may seem a bit random, but you will see how it fits as we go over what unfolded.
1: “Farewell Oz”
The first major sign this was going to go horrendously was the ARM’s insistence on joking about the tour. The party overall acted as if this was their farewell, despite so far there being no sign of this being the case. They then took this up a level by printing and selling “Farewell Oz Tour” shirts, as if the monarchy was a band making their final hurrah. This was also supplemented by “Say Goodbye to Royal Reign” beer coasters, hats, and many other items. This is the latest rebrand by the ARM: using humor to entice the population into support.
Although data hasn’t yet been released, I would bet that these accessories have sold well, as it was a good rebrand to bring those unconcerned with the whole issue to think about it, as now it is in their everyday lives and not just some weird thing in government that has nothing to do with them. The major issue for the ARM is just getting people to care at all about the monarchy. Things aren’t really bad at the moment, and political change only comes when there is a clear need for change that people care about. The only time the monarchy ever really was an issue was in the Whitlam “coup,” which by this point is quite far back in history, and therefore a bit hard to use, despite it being just . . . I don’t know, a bit wrong . . . that instead of an Australian as head of state, we have a British grandpa who has to have his toothbrush prepared for him.
2: “Just Tell Him I’m Busy”
A little mini-scare here, but all of the state premiers (our version of American governors) gave an announcement which, to paraphrase said, “heck no, we aren’t gonna talk to that”—uhhhh, I don’t think I’m allowed to say any of the next words in a school publication, so insert preferred insult here, and subsequently refused to talk or meet with him, like a toddler refusing to get a flu vaccine. Now, this was a bit of a tipping point for the press, with such, um, how shall we say . . . ah, yes! Biased and politically motivated press outlets, especially (and really almost only) the ones on the right, like the Daily Mail and many Queensland press releases, denouncing the premiers. Now, why the headline “There is criticism and then there is just being rude now, Labour” is taken as a genuine point and a meaningful criticism of the ARM is beyond me, but who knows.
3:
As I was writing this, a new story dropped that blew this wide open, and if confirmed, I will sign up for ARM membership. A report from the Sun said that King Charles refused to eat a lamington. This delicious treat, for those that are painfully ill-informed is the closest thing that we have ever reached to God in a food item: a beautifully crafted sponge cake with jam on the inside, coated in shredded coconut. [Ed. Note—If God involves shredded coconut, I’m becoming an atheist.] This is proof that he is no friend of Australia or the people. Now, this is kind of a side note, but this particular lamington was also made by sick children in a hospital for his visit. This is downright Disney-villain levels of evil. This is just—I mean, even if it wasn’t made by a sick child, I would say it’s still significant that he refused it in the first place, as it is criminal to refuse a lamington; utter disrespect to Australia’s culture and nationhood. Again, this shows the continued disrespect of Australia, despite his claims of being on even footing.
4: “The Incident”
It was a clear and sunny day in Canberra, and Charles was giving a forgettable speech at the Australian Parliament, when all of a sudden, someone yelled “You committed genocide against our people. Give us what you stole from us – our bones, our skulls, our babies, our people. You destroyed our land. Give us a treaty. We want a treaty.” This came from Senator Lidia Thorpe, an aboriginal rights activist and senator from her own independent party. Senator Thorpe was dragged out by security, though not without first delivering a last remark of “**** the colony!” This was the clearest act of resistance to the monarchy in this visit, and while such opposition is not typical, this display was warranted due to the senator’s main topic of interest: Aboriginal affairs. Yeah, if you didn’t know, the monarchy was directly responsible for signing into law that aboriginal children would be sent to indoctrinating boarding schools, and that all native peoples have their rights taken away and their land stolen whilst plundering their resources for their gain. This makes her outrage a bit more understandable, since most Aboriginal people throughout the country hating the monarchy. Again, this is one of Australia’s issues with this topic: pure apathy. Many Australians of European descent don’t have any real link to this; while they still saw harsh persecution at the hands of the government, including mistreatment and unfair imprisonment, they did not have their home and ancestral lands plundered. Without that feeling of a direct link to the topic, sadly, not many care to learn about it.
4.5: I’m Not Amending This Story A Sixth Time, I Just Can’t Be Bothered
This originally came in while I was writing this story. Senator Thorpe doubled down and said that her remarks were justified, that they were not just presentation politics, and that she had made a real impact, lashing back at remarks made by many right-wing news sites claiming it was only a performance. Thorpe insisted that many in Aboriginal communities around the country felt her words and were ready to join her in her movement. As well as this, Thorpe also said that the king has “stolen wealth” still in his possession. Whether this act of hers really has increased support will remain to be seen, but to throw in my two cents, I think it will raise support among Aboriginal peoples but may hurt support from white and non-Native peoples due to its inherent focus on Aboriginal people over broader strokes for all Australians, despite it being a very moral and good move.
5: The Foodie Failure
For our (hopefully) last story today I am here to tell you about another piece of royal cultural negligence through food. For the unaware, in Australia we have a food known as the ANZAC biscuit (a biscuit is kind of like a cookie, for any Americans and, apparently, British royals reading) that is baked to commemorate the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps (ANZAC) soldiers who fought in WWI, and more broadly, all other wars fought together. This is a famous food loved by all Australians, as it’s a huge piece of our culture and how we commemorate the boys who fought and died for our nation and how, by their sacrifice, forged the very notion of our nation-state at places like Gallipoli. This is important, as when the king was at a final dinner event with the Prime Minister and other prominent figures, the menu was leaked, which showed traditional Australian foods and common dishes in Australia, such as shepherd’s pie and crab. It was on the desert page, however, where things went terribly wrong. Whichever cowboy made the menu referred to the offered ANZAC biscuit as an ANZAC “cookie.” People had a field day playing the blame game and pointing out that it is actually illegal to call it this, due to the ANZAC name being strongly protected by the DVA. Whatever actually happened, this dinner summed up the whole visit quite well: fairly pleasant and unremarkable, despite controversies a-plenty.
Thank you all for reading this article. We will be continuing the Kokoda Track series and actually getting on with it this time after my second tangent article.
Emma Pethybridge • Nov 26, 2024 at 10:05 pm
This is brilliant, James! It’s funny, thoughtful and you have a great moral compass. I reckon Lidia Thorpe would be pleased to learn her antics have been featured in your article in NY!!